Date: 4-21-02 Time:1:47AM
Sitting here in the desolate wasteland we call Wisconsin, I've begun to realize many things. I am an 18 year old guy, just about ready for graduation. It's hard to believe it has all gone so fast. I look back on my life, and everything in it. The people that have come and gone, the monitary possessions I've gained and lost. I look back and I realize it hasn't been as bad as I always thought. Granted I believe I've had my share of misfortunes, I realize I'm better now than I've ever been. Looking back on my family, and all the pain it's been through it seems as though I wasn't born with my family. I met them later in life. My father, not being an incessant drunk and purveyor of pain, but being the people most interested in me growing up strong and sturdy. My mother, never to be replaced or anything near, was taken in the midst of February 2001. No one will ever fill that gap, but my friends have given me a reason to get past it. I look back and remember all the vacations and the days when everything was still alright. As a child I was never neglected but never spoiled. I realize I will never forget the time I was able to spend with my "family" but I may still be able to make it better. As just a simple 18 year old guy, I've got plenty of time to make for my own "family" and give them all the things I was given, and everything more I can possibly do. As an 18 year old guy, I realize I've taken high school relationships way too seriously. I will never say I haven't been in love, as I will never say I haven't made a mistake. If I am to find the girl I will spend the rest of my life with in this next 24 days of school, then so be it, but I will not be expecting it for the simple fact that it is high school. There is so much to happen after this. Through all the things I've had and lost I'm left with my cars and just the simple things in life. Just everyday possesions that seem so meaningless but all have their own story. I could not ask for more. I will never deny that I've spent many nights comtemplating my life, or more directly my death. I realized it couldn't be over this soon, I've got to make my mother proud. Even though she's not here to pat me on the back, she's here to smack me on the head for when I screw around. As disagreeable as my brother and I are, we both know we're pullin' for each other in life. As often as we fight, as much as we curse at each other, we know we're all that's left of our "family" and we gotta make something of it. Whoever may be reading this, think about who you are. Think about all you have done for yourself and others. Think about what I've done for you, if anything. I'm not trying to make myself look good, that's not my motivation or intent. But realize who I am. Am I just another guy? or am I someone unlike you've never met before. Believe me I'll be thinking the same about you. None of you are the same, be proud of it. All the shit I've been through, and all the changes you've seen me go through, it's all been for a reason. A reason I may never figure out or possibly figure out tomorrow. It won't come soon enough. As for right now, I've had all my thoughts in one place, and I believe she knows who she is. All you people out there, find the one you're meant for, before they get lost without you.

9-25-02
I think I'm beginning to realize what I have in my life, and also what I don't have. It's not about your car, your house, your possesions. They are all just by products of what you are. Which in coincidentally a by product of the people around you. Your family, your friends, total strangers that in some way or another affect your life. Every decision you make is based on your life, yet your life is based on millions of other lives. Before making a decision you have to think about the people that affect you. And perhaps wonder what they would think about your decision. As your decision will not only affect you, it will affect everyone you know. Even simple decisions such as what time should you wake up today... depending on when that is will effect what time others start their day because they will be eager or anxious to talk to you. I've made a lot of decisions which I have spent little time thinking about. Over the past few weeks they've been all that I've been thinking about. While it may be too late for me I want to be sure that no one else I know makes the same mistakes as I have. I will never deny that I have contemplated suicide. But this last time, for some reason or another it didn't feel right. After talking to several people, most of which I barely know I've realized my life is worth more than any other to me. My life is worth more than any girl, no matter how much I care for her, how much I want to be with her. I don't know whether to smile because we're best friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be. But at this point it doesn't matter. I'm only 19 years old, almost, and I can't dwell on those who don't wish to have me around. The only people that mattered to me until I was 16 are all long gone. So I need to find to people to matter to me, while leaving those who dont care to keep behind. If it wasn't meant to be it wouldn't happen. No matter what kind of life I know I would have given her, she wouldn't put the trust in me, or believe me. After being multiple chances, I couldn't be given one more, and I suppose that's just how it goes. I won't say that I'm over it, but I am well on my way. I have no alternative. I have to live my life for myself because when I die I will have no one but myself, so I better be damn happy with myself. For now I'll hold on to my possesions, knowing everything is the way it is because of those who I care about. So I have to live it up for them. I would've killed myself, I possibly should've killed myself.... but where's the fun in that??




"Beauty Thus Become"